Remembering a dear friend
Plus: Tools for good karma and positive thinking
I miss my friend, Bruce, who passed away this spring at 87. I miss our rich exchanges of ideas, hopes and goals. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to him, his beautiful soul. Now, I want to share with you all about him, because of how wonderful a man he was.
We met in February 2017 after he wrote me an email following a story I'd written on why Syracuse didn't have a baseball team. We grabbed lunch a week later and became close friends, sharing meals or phone conversations once or twice per week. He was 63 years older than me but a confidant, a mentor and a dear friend whose kindness and selflessness knew no bounds. Having a friend in an entirely different stage of life nourished my soul. He was a traveler, reader and runner. He survived a bad auto accident in 1998 and open heart surgery in 2000. After a career in law, he spent his retirement giving to others, volunteering and tutoring, mostly to disadvantaged youth in Syracuse. Many of them were children of color, and many of them didn't have fair opportunities, which drove him to devote his last years on Earth caring for them.
One of the first times we met, in 2017, his flip phone rang a few times as we ate. When I joked how popular he was, he said it wasn't about that. The calls were from children in the area who needed rides to basketball practice, to after school activities, to their homes. He was always giving rides, leaving events early and eating meals quickly so he could hop in his car and drive another child to another event.
Bruce tutored students after school, read to third graders at Ed Smith School — the principal called him a "hero" for coming to the library to read with kids — and cheered on the students at their basketball games. Two years ago, he welcomed into his home a child who didn't have a home. The boy lived with him for at least several months. Each Monday until the pandemic, he picked up several kids and brought them to Spaghetti Warehouse, where he treated all of them to a meal. Sometimes, tears fell from his eyes when he thought about the long odds many of these children faced, growing up in a system he couldn't understand.
A couple of years ago, while eating at one of our favorite restaurants, he asked to say hello to someone in the kitchen. It was a student he had tutored and mentored, a student he had helped land a job washing dishes in the back. Bruce was proud about this, but he also deflected any credit. He never wanted an article or local TV package highlighting his contributions. He didn't care for external recognition. He knew in his heart he was doing what he believed needed to be done. For him, that was enough.
Here we are, six months after he left the world. I miss reaching for my phone and calling Bruce just to say hi. I miss his big smile and laugh. I miss chatting with him about books and stories. I miss our adventures to restaurants, games and events in town. He often asked about my family and my girlfriend, Ally, whom he repeatedly praised for her kindness. He was a wonderful man — the kind of fellow who said hi to you, held the door, smiled and asked where you were from.
I hope to honor him by paying forward good deeds and acts of kindness, not sweating the small stuff and staying on the lookout for ways to help people. Goodbye, dear friend. I love you.
Jacob Riis on the art of persistence:
“When nothing seems to help, I go look at the stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone on before.”
My notes from the book "Discovering the Power of Positive Thinking -- The Sunny Side of Life" by Norman Vincent Peale
To every disadvantage there is a corresponding advantage
Some say positive thinking is fake or overly optimistic. But there is always inherent good in a situation
Behind the darkest clouds, the sun is shining. The light is always there, above the clouds, shining down on us all
"I dare you" meditation — dare yourself to be whatever you want to be, to be whomever you want to be
When a difficult situation arises, think: "So what, I can take that."
It takes work, but one can see and appreciate the value of a difficulty
No matter what, you have power to feel good about yourself
What a time this is right now! The now! What immense beauty lies here
Always take care of yourself to be feeling good and positive (healthy food, water, exercise, rest)
Be humbly conscious of what you are, but never depreciate yourself as some people do, regarding it as humility. Form and hold mental images of yourself as healthy
Find little things to give yourself joy each day
To counter stress, you need to schedule calmness in your day: peace, relaxation, silence
Begin and end each day you are fortunate enough to be alive with quiet time
Joy is not in things. It is in us
Make a conscious effort to see the good in everything and in everyone
Don't judge others and do not complain, not even to yourself or close friends
A note on Karma
I've been tipping 25% to good service and writing "Thank you" on the tab, and complimenting chefs, letting people turn first at intersections, holding doors. Let’s keep good karma going.
Notes on peacefulness
Thoreau went to Walden Pond for peace. He went to the woods because he wished to live deliberatively — to front only the essential facts of life, away from the details, deadlines and plans that so often get in the way of the bigger picture.
One way to think about becoming happier/more peaceful/relaxed/less anxious:
Jot down how NOT to be OK. Example:
To not be at peace...
Stress over the actions of other people
Keep putting things off
Stress over people who can't drive well
Stress over a detour on your way to work
Worry about things you can't change
Worry about what tomorrow will bring
Stress over what you don't have, rather than appreciate what's right in front of you
Skip exercise/outdoor time
Don't go for walks
Don't drink a lot of water
Don't eat healthy foods
Don't keep an organized calendar and work space
Theoretical physicist Richard Feynman with some advice for life:
"Fall in love with some activity, and do it! Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn't matter. Explore the world. Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into it deeply enough. Work as hard and as much as you want to on the things you like to do the best. Don't think about what you want to be, but what you want to do. Keep up some kind of a minimum with other things so that society doesn't stop you from doing anything at all."
Photo of the week: Visiting a few apple orchards in upstate New York over the next couple of weeks. Here’s one from the beautiful countryside of LaFayette, N.Y.
Two parting thoughts:
Keep in mind we were all once tiny infants and each of us will one day lose loved ones, will die
Our emotions and thoughts come and go like weather. Let them pass
Be joyful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew
He really was an example to us all. Find peace in the fact that he lives on in the good karma that he has passed on to you, which you pass on to others. I have now been reminded to do the same.