Notes from therapy
Plus: Remembering Thich Nhat Hanh
Hi friends,
First, thank you for the wonderful texts, replies and DMs. They move me to write, again and again, in this space. I hope you're doing OK and giving yourselves the breaks -- and compassion -- that you deserve.
This week, I continued virtual therapy with my counselor, Christian. When I told him I felt that I should be more poised when surrounded by people experiencing stress, he cut me off. "Should," he said, is inherently flawed as a perspective. The word adds pressure, and life is already pressure-filled enough. Remove "should." Shoulds, woulds, coulds, should've -- all of these can sneak up on us in our self-talk.
"We gotta be careful with should," he said. "We can change our perspective."
Original framework:
Belief: I should be poised when surrounded by others experiencing anxiety
Thought: I'm not helpful when I'm not poised/calm
Feeling: Worry, anxiety
New framework:
Belief: I want to be more poised when surrounded by loved ones experiencing stress
Thought: This is an opportunity to practice poise in a challenging/stressful situation
Feeling: Intrigue/curiosity
We lowered the stakes. Just as he doesn't say, "I shouldn't get anxiety because I'm a therapist." Rather, he said he's just winging it like all of us.
Later in our session, we discussed how the real work of therapy occurs when we're not meeting. It's not the hour each week that we're together where the progress is made. Just like weightlifting or running, the real gains occur during the rest periods. And in therapy, it's the time on our own, when we get to practice various approaches, mindsets, mental models, that we really progress.
Our sessions are merely check-ins for what works, what doesn't, and potential tweaks. "We're just trying on new perspectives," Christian, the therapist, said. "A different way to look at your life and what happens."
Through a few weeks of therapy, it feels quite good. Refreshing. To me, it is about renewal. I come in with no expectations. I'm not trying to “fix” anything or fix myself. The goal is simply to learn and understand the thoughts and beliefs that flow through my head.
-Matthew
Remembering Thich Nhat Hanh
RIP to the Zen master Thich Nhat Hahn, whose book, "Peace Is Every Step" was among the first in my self-enlightenment/meditation/self-help journey. "In the rush of modern life, we tend to lose touch with the peace that is available in each moment." he noted. The Vietnamese monk and “father of mindfulness” died on Jan. 22, age 95. He reminds me that sometimes, maybe most times, it's best not to focus fully on chasing the next thing. Be here, now, nestled in this moment's beauty. Here are some of my favorite meditations from Hahn:
"I'm so angry!" someone once said to him. His reply: “Hold on to your anger and use it as compost for your garden.”
“Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping.”
“There is no need to run, strive, search or struggle. Just be. Just being in the moment in this place is the deepest practice of meditation. Most people cannot believe that just walking as if you have nowhere to go is enough.”
“Many people are alive but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.”
“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the whole earth revolves — slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.”
“Fearlessness is not only possible, it is the ultimate joy. When you touch nonfear, you are free.”
"When you are a young person, you are like a young creek, and you meet many rocks, many obstacles and difficulties on your way. You hurry to get past these obstacles and get to the ocean. But as the creek moves down through the fields, it becomes larger and calmer and it can enjoy the reflection of the sky. It's wonderful. You will arrive at the sea anyway so enjoy the journey. Enjoy the sunshine, the sunset, the moon, the birds, the trees, and the many beauties along the way. Taste every moment of your daily life."
“There is no way to happiness — happiness is the way.”
A relevant section from Atomic Habits for anyone building a new habit this year:
"People often think it's weird to get hyped about reading one page or meditating for one minute or making one sales call. But the point is not to do one thing. The point is to master the habit of showing up. The truth is, a habit must be established before it can be improved. If you can't learn the basic skill of showing up, then you have little hope of mastering the finer details. Instead of trying to engineer a perfect habit from the start, do the easy thing on a more consistent basis. You have to standardize before you can optimize." — James Clear
Ralph Waldo Emerson on life, moving forward:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
What I’m reading
Between Two Kingdoms, Suleika Jaouad: Beautifully written memoir about a (very) young woman's cancer journey from diagnosis through cross-country trip through life cancer free…a chronicle of survivorship and a fierce, tender, and inspiring exploration of what it means to begin again.
The Everyday Hero Manifesto, Robin Sharma: As Sharma calls it, “Part memoir of a life richly lived, part instruction manual for virtuoso-grade performance, and part handbook for spiritual freedom in an age of high-velocity.”
Photos of the week: Beautiful sunflowers from the local farmer’s market. Flowers are a good way to feel more in touch with life and nature, and the scent of freshly cut flowers can help you unwind. I picked them up at the market. Since the pandemic began, I’ve grown a love for farmers’ markets because they are joyful community gatherings full of local, healthy foods, music and nice people.
Two questions to ponder this week:
What is so fun that it makes me lose track of time?
What makes my heart sing and fills my soul with joy?
Be joyful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew