Life on the go
Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it
For much of the pandemic, I've floated between the homes of family and friends. I prefer things this way, especially with a remote job and no children for which to care. While I don't wake up in the same bed each morning, the benefits of a life on the go are significant: I get to see my favorite people often. "You go where your people are," my therapist noted the other day.
My rotation is fairly random, mostly between Ally's place (NYC) to my mom's (FL) and my dad's (NJ). As I write this, I'm sitting on a train headed to NYC. I'm living as a nomad while I still can, in part because I know I probably won't be able to do this much longer.
Elon Musk has said he floats between friends' homes, often crashing on their couches rather than retreating to his home, which he's said can be lonesome. It's the same fundamental reason for me: human connection, love, and sharing these precious days with the people who matter most to me. What about you all? Have the last two years enabled you to strengthen relationships, reconnect with old friends from high school and college, and explore new places/towns? It has for many. Plus, life as a nomad is a continual reminder that we're always in transition as we navigate our lives. Here's Pema Chodron:
"Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs."
From floating around, I've relearned that our people make our life. Our relationships drive most of our thoughts and beliefs, activities and how we spend our time. And that there is no point of arrival, being 'settled' or having 'made it.'
There is guilt, too. I feel guilty about not spending my time in a perfectly equal way. I sometimes feel guilty about leaving a loved one to hop on another train ride or flight. This month, my therapist and I came to realize much of the guilt might stem from my upbringing, when I shuffled back and forth between my parents' homes and sometimes felt a deep sense of guilt not uncommon among children of divorced parents. I'd sometimes feel guilty about not being with the other parent.
The other challenge with floating is that it has intensified the degree to which I experience separation anxiety. Some nights, before leaving Ally, for example, my heart races and it becomes difficult to fall asleep. Driving to airports also gets my nerves going. It's not that I don't want to go on a new adventure, but rather that I'll be leaving someone's presence, and I often worry about the well-being of those I love.
There's no perfect conclusion to this or a 'fix-it' scheme. I've developed mitigation techniques and a growing sense of awareness, both of which really come in handy. Journaling, meditation, exercise and reading helps, too. I'm also not seeking a miracle fix. I'm up for this challenge, this opportunity, to work on mitigating the separation anxiety and guilt, both of which are in my control. They are not external forces. Plus, it's much better to shuffle between loved ones and travel than live alone. Onward!
Six things I learned this week
Nike CEO John Donahoe on asking for help, via WSJ: Early in his career, Nike President and CEO John Donahoe heard a speaker at a Bain & Company training program make an observation that immediately clicked with him: Elite athletes tend to view getting help as a sign of strength. “He was talking about [how] Michael Jordan didn’t only have Phil Jackson as his bench coach, but he had a personal chef; he had a psychological coach,” says Donahoe, 61. “And he said, ‘You people in business, you act like getting help is a sign of weakness. You act like you have all the answers. If you want to perform at a world-class level, you’ve got to feel comfortable consuming help.’ ” In the decades since, Donahoe has worked with multiple leadership coaches; seen his therapist, Jill Mellick, for 30 years; and established his own board of personal directors—trusted friends he turns to for advice.
Three examples of persistence: John Wooden didn't win his first national title until his 16th season at UCLA. Starbucks didn’t reach store #5 until 13 years into its history. Sam Walton (Walmart) didn’t open his 2nd store until 7 yrs after starting his company.
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits: "In the middle, it feels slow. In hindsight, it feels fast."
Stoic philosopher Epictetus on taking action: "Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer. Put your principles into practice – now. Stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is your life! You aren’t a child anymore. The sooner you set yourself to your spiritual program, the happier you will be. The longer you wait, the more you’ll be vulnerable to mediocrity and feel filled with shame and regret, because you know you are capable of better. From this instant on, vow to stop disappointing yourself. Separate yourself from the mob. Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do – now."
Kate Hudson on life, mental health and writing, via WSJ: “I love to write. It slows things down and that's really important to our imaginations." Hudson says she needs to exercise for her mental health. On limiting expectations: "Expectation is at the center of most suffering." On trying new stuff: "What's the worst that could happen? You fail? And then what? Well, you failed — and you just keep doing."
Katie Perry on waking up, via WSJ: "After waking up in the morning, she makes sure she says something to the effect of, 'Thank you for this day.' Then she plays 'Lovely Day' by Bill Withers. It’s all about reminding herself that simply being alive is a miraculous event.
One quote I'm meditating on:
“If you spend more time observing instead of reacting, you start to notice how the absence of reaction also means the absence of tension.” ― Yung Pueblo
Photos of the week: Spent most of the past week in NYC. It was a joy to explore new restaurants, bookshops and museums, and to reconnect with friends from high school for dinner.
One big question for the week: What habits did I inherit from my childhood? Is it time to change any of them?
Be joyful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew
Makes me happy to see you all together🥰