Gratitude for delays
“The worst thing you can do with disappointment is live with it.”
Hi friends,
“Find the good. It’s all around you.” – Jesse Owens
Extreme heat in the northeast this weekend caused delays for NJ Transit trains. The Saturday afternoon train I took was initially delayed 80 minutes. First, hundreds of us stood in Penn Station, with little wiggle room. Then we jammed onto the train. Then we stood there, stationary, for half an hour, with no AC. It was about 94 degrees outside.
What happened Saturday afternoon became an interesting case study, a masterclass in human behavior. A few men to my left offered middle fingers to the conductors…as if they had any control over the situation. A few other people hollered at the employees. Others shook their head while scrolling on Facebook. I’ve experienced delayed flights, but this seemed different. Maybe it was the heat and fatigue setting in? Either way, it’s amazing what you can learn about someone when things go just a little off the rails. (No pun intended.)
Early in the delay, I decided this wasn’t going to be a “delay” for me. Rather, this would be an opportunity to practice stillness. I became grateful for the delay. I had no control over it, so there was no point in frustration. Anger and frustration are powerful human emotions. While understandable, they’re usually not helpful. I recall making a conscious choice, early in the delay, to channel any frustration I might have into positive energy. Rather than complain about the delay or express anger, I put my AirPods on, played nice music, and texted friends and family to check in. I read a few motivational emails. Then I listened to two podcasts, one by Ryan Holiday, the other from Jay Shetty.
I said “no” to the harm. I said “no” to jumping on the bandwagon with others, rolling their eyes and blaming conductors. I said “no” to giving in to the status quo. Giving in to what most other people were doing? It's a powerless way of approaching life. It’s also exhausting. At any moment, we could list all that’s wrong with the world around us. Most of it is beyond our control. Why bother, then?
“The worst thing you can do with disappointment is live with it.”
Here’s Ryan Holiday: “Think about all the energy we spend trying to change the things we have no control over. We demand that people be different, that nature be different, that everything line up the way we want it. That’s draining and it’s no wonder at the end of the day we feel mentally drained. Traffic? Put in an audio book and learn something. Weather is bad outside? I'll accept it and find ways to deal with it.”
See everything through a lens of gratitude, I reminded myself. This remains a work in progress for me, and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me, especially if I’m tired or angry. There’s a good chance some of the other passengers were having a rough day — maybe a loved one was diagnosed with illness, or they lost their job, or they experienced heartbreak. That’s understandable. But most of the passengers probably didn’t experience those things, and they had the opportunity to choose stillness — to choose to be better despite the inconvenience.
As we rolled away from the station, I recall thinking about the extreme pleasure of sitting on a moving train, with the opportunity to read. We can talk a lot about “perspective” in life, but what does that mean if we don’t live by it? It’s not hard to imagine the heartbreak felt by innocent Ukrainian children who have been separated from their parents and siblings. They’d love for a chance to sit with their loved ones on a two-hour train delay.
Epictetus, a Stoic philosopher and former slave, said thousands of years ago: Don’t be a fault-finder. He talked about how when something happens, the only thing in our power is our attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.
So, train delayed? Fine. We get to live! We get an hour to be easy on ourselves and take inventory on our feelings! What a gift. Anyone could be mad at a delay. But what good lies there?
Will you join me today? Let’s choose the peaceful way. Next time, channel your anger or frustration — inevitable feelings – into the best energy you can.
Thoughts from Author James Clear:
"You need focus to become exceptional at anything.
Massive amounts of time and energy are wasted optimizing things that should be left undone. You have to be great at saying no."
"A gift you can give yourself right now:
Stop what you're doing. Close your eyes.
For the next 60 seconds, just breathe."
Think long-term. Act short-term.
“A key step that can help us begin to settle ourselves when we are profoundly unsettled is to come home, to ourselves, in this moment, whatever is happening. This is one way of speaking about mindfulness or being present: coming home to ourselves. When we bring our mind back to our body we come home. We could consider this state as our true home. This home inside of us is a home no one can take away from us, and it cannot be damaged or destroyed. No matter what happens around us, if we can find this home inside of us, we are always safe.”
― Kaira Jewel Lingo, We Were Made for These Times
In life, goodbyes can be a gift.
What you focus on grows. Stop micromanaging your time and start better managing your focus, so you can move forward.
Realize that life is simply a collection of little chances for happiness, each lived one moment at a time.
Patience is not about waiting, it is the ability to maintain a positive outlook while working diligently for what you believe in, step by step.
Source: Marc and Angel Hack Life
Thoughts from Taylor Swift, at an NYU speech last week, via WSJ:
Let Grudges Go
Decide what moments you want to hold on to. “The good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful, simple joys.”
You’ll Do Cringey Stuff
That’s OK. “Cringe is unavoidable. You’re probably doing or wearing something right now that you will look back on later and find revolting and hilarious. You can’t avoid it, so don’t try to.”
Don’t Hide Enthusiasm
She said there is a stigma against eagerness. People who don’t try are seen as more chic. She disagrees: ”Never be afraid of trying.”
Mistakes Aren’t Failures
“My mistakes led to the best things in my life. Getting back up, dusting yourself off, and seeing who still wants to hang out with you afterward and laugh about it—that’s a gift.”
“One of my father’s big things is the key to success is to care, but not that much. To remain detached. To look at this situation you’re so worried about and say, ‘it’s merely a blip on the radar screen of eternity.’” — Author Rich Cohen, via the Daily Stoic
Focus on how you can serve others — it will energize you and give you a mission, while filling you with confidence. Recently, I placed in my wallet a small reminder on a sticky note: “Life is for service.” When I’m tired or hungry or moody or about to complain, I try to come back to this.
Photos of the week: a rainbow on a Sunday evening.
Question of the week: Is this worry real or is my mind just looking for something to grab onto?
Be joyful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew