Gift thyself: Why I'm back in counseling
This holiday season, may we all give ourselves the gift of self-love and kindness
Hi friends,
This holiday week, I have given myself an early Christmas gift: counseling. It has been more than two and a half years since I last met with a therapist, an endearing middle-aged woman named Pamela, whose conversations, guidance and honesty helped me navigate anxieties during college, especially as graduation was near. Our Monday afternoon meetings in her Syracuse office, often over hot tea, were almost always an occasion I looked forward to.
Before Pamela, I had seen two or three other therapists, beginning when I was 18 years old, nervous and anxious and stressed about graduating high school, leaving home and starting college. I broke down during my first visit, which was almost an out-of-body experience, so raw, so real. For the most part, each visit since then was marked by deeper understanding and a heightened sense of being. I've had male and female therapists, tall therapists and petite ones, Black therapists and white therapists. One was blunt, another was more reserved. Looking back, they complemented one another well. The therapy was never a quick-fix band aid; rather, a place to explore, slow down and heal. A time to breathe, a time to process.
A week or two ago, after some time spent on the fence, I decided it was time to revisit counseling, not because I'm suffering or in a rough space, but because I want to feel better...less anxious, more relaxed, more at ease, more at inner peace. For the most part, things are going well, aside from some situational and confrontation anxiety. Thus, I want to learn more ways to help myself help myself. And I want to develop new mindsets and attitudes to bring to people and situations around me. Through counseling, maybe I can learn some things that will help me help others who are dealing with a lot. If nothing else, maybe it will better position me to help others help themselves. We need one another.
All of this is to say that I'm gifting myself one of the most rewarding gifts I ever have. Therapy alone didn't save me from transitory, anxiety-provoking situations, but it did play a significant role in easing my anxieties. After developing a rapport with the therapists, conversations have centered on my career goals and hobbies to family dynamics and relationships to what our purpose is. The other thing: Therapy is a chance to have an hour of thoughtful conversation, without devices or distractions.
One of my chief goals in the new year is to continue to understand myself, what I truly want, who I want to become, and how I can spend more time doing the things I love with the people I love. More regular exercise, lifting, running and walking is part of this goal, as well as regular therapy. Because of the pandemic, the sessions will be virtual, which provides greater flexibility. I'm pumped to get going again. I'm pumped to give it another try and see how it goes, without lofty expectations. Maybe, if things click, the sessions will help me live more mindfully, love more beautifully and be a better person to the people around me. I want to be a better boyfriend, son and friend. Isn’t life too beautiful, too fleeting and too short not to love everything we have, ourselves and those around us?
I share this as a plea to anyone else out there who wants to feel better. Maybe not because you're really struggling or severely depressed, but because you just want to be a better human.
May we all gift ourselves something precious this year: a regular walk with a partner, a meditative bath before bedtime, an hour away from the phone, an extra hour of sleep before work, or a few hours in therapy. Your choice. In the end, it's really all the same: the gift of self-love and affection, which knows no bounds.
Love,
Matthew
Note to self
Someone recently sent me a 'note to self,' which read:
'What is my purpose in life?' I asked the void.
'What if I told you that you fulfilled it when you took an extra hour to talk to that kid about his life?" said the voice.
"Or when you paid for that young couple in the restaurant. Or when you saved that dog in traffic? Or when you tied your father's shoes for him?"
"Your problem is that you equate your purpose with goal-based achievement. The Universe isn't interested in your achievements...just your heart. When you choose to act out of kindness, compassion and love, you are already aligned with your true purpose.
No need to look any further."
Thank you, friend, for sending this, as we could use the reminder. Often, I find myself journaling or thinking about my purpose and whether I'm doing enough in the world, whether my career choice was smart, and if things will turn out okay. Too often, I tie my self-worth and purpose to my career, now as a writer/editor for a sports publication. But this passage seems to be right: Our society rewards us for being goal achievers, corporate-ladder climbers, high-salary earners. All of this, of course, might be noble. There are many people doing admirable things and supporting others through careers.
But the lesson here is not to let that be everything. "Make your heart the most beautiful thing about you," seems like a wonderful approach to navigating life, both in work and at home.
The Universe is interested in our heart.
A break
A few days ago, actress Jennifer Lawrence said, "The world should take a break." Then, the other day, a leader at the company for which I work made a plea for all of us: Please take a week off from work. For many, it has been a year and a half of burnout, isolation, anxiety. For some, the holidays can become a stressful time. Let's take time off if we are able. Invest in yourself and the people you love by stepping away from the desk and giving yourself the gift of rest, so that you may return more mindful, more diligent and more loving.
Prompts to incorporate into your journal routine
Goals I met
Opportunities for next time
Three things that made me smile
Three actions I can take for self-care today
Three actions I can take to help others today
Photo of the week: A little something I found that my dad had put in my room for me for when I last returned. Source: WSJ
One thought worth meditating on: "He didn't have a ton of money, but he had a ton of heart." — MG
Be joyful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew
Love this part! It takes off a lot of pressure and makes us realize that we may be living a more fulfilling existence than we realized.
'What is my purpose in life?' I asked the void.
'What if I told you that you fulfilled it when you took an extra hour to talk to that kid about his life?" said the voice.
"Or when you paid for that young couple in the restaurant. Or when you saved that dog in traffic? Or when you tied your father's shoes for him?"
"Your problem is that you equate your purpose with goal-based achievement. The Universe isn't interested in your achievements...just your heart. When you choose to act out of kindness, compassion and love, you are already aligned with your true purpose.
No need to look any further."