Asking for Help Isn't Giving up. It's Refusing to Give Up
On seeking help, gratitude and meditation walks
Friday was World Suicide Prevention Day. It's also nearly two years since my closest experience to a suicide, nearly two years since a friend took her own life, gone forever. There have been few days since in which I haven't thought about that person, her distinctive laugh, the kind things she said about me and who I was, and all of the beauty she brought to this world. Writing this now, meditating on her life, my eyes well up.
I don't feel guilt that I could have done something to prevent her death, but I do wonder: Had I checked in more regularly with her, would anything be different? There's no way of knowing, though the lesson here is profound. I have since checked in with others more regularly. Sometimes I hear back, sometimes I don't, but it's a way to see if they're doing okay. So many of us aren't.
Since her death in the fall of 2019, I have written at length in my journal about her suicide, suicide in general, mental health and seeking help, mainly because I've been through anxious times myself. But also because I've seen too many people, including some friends and people I love, suffer from anxiety and depression yet not seek the help they need.
This is what I want to share with everyone here: "Asking for help isn't giving up. It's refusing to give up.” ― Charlie Mackesy, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse.
Study after study, case after case, we hear about someone struggling through something but not getting the help they need. It's unfortunate and almost entirely avoidable. We must choose empowerment over shame for seeking help. In the past, I have needed help and sought it. Seeking help can work in beautiful ways. For years, I’ve felt strongly about this, contributing to stories in WSJ, the Washington Post and The Athletic, where I now work, all aimed at smashing the stigma. Seeing a counselor. Calling a friend or loved one. Journaling. Telling friends you're not doing great. All of this can be a form of seeking help. All of it can transform you and reboot your soul, so that you may get back to enjoying the treasure that is life.
The silver lining of our friend's death, for me, is that it became one of a series of enlightening moments I have had over the last two or so years. It was a proverbial wake-up call: to live more mindfully, to enjoy life more, to let loose a bit more, to smile, and to check in with friends and family more to see if they're doing okay. And whereas before I had a tendency to decline many social invitations, I’ve decided to say “yes” to seeing people. Our time here is too limited. I have never lived as mindfully and as presently as I have in the last two years, in part because of my experience with this suicide.
I still remember, with vivid detail, when I found out about her death, really the first I had experienced in my life. I wrapped up an interview upstairs and walked down to the living room area, where my mom was on the floor, in tears. This shook me deeply. I asked what was wrong. When she told me what had happened, I remember losing my balance and slowly falling to the ground. The weight of the moment was enormous, too much to keep me standing upright. A daze came over me as I began to weep. "Circles" by Post Malone was playing shortly after. When it has since played on the radio, my memories go back to the saddening afternoon.
One of the deeper aspects about death, I have found, is that it is final. There is no going back, no bringing this person back to life. It's said that a deep experience such as death can make us feel more alive, and I have found this to be the case. Since then, my sense of being has been heightened. There are still days and experiences I take for granted, but they are much more limited. The fleetingness of life has become very clear.
Today, may we all encourage our loved ones to seek help if they need it. Let's check in with someone we love each day. We need one another.
I started my Monday morning with a meditation walk on the beach. The idea was to be with my senses: feel the sand on my toes, hear the water, observe the seagulls communicating, smell the air, and feel the breeze passing by — another exercise to feel more alive. If you have a favorite place to go for a walk, I’d love to hear about it.
3 things to be grateful for today:
The person you are becoming.
How far you have come.
What you already have.
Source: The Daily Coach
Since I set stricter limit on my phone screen time, TV, social media and other time wastes, I’ve been able to read one to two books per week. Here are my September/early October reads, some of which are rereads, others we’ll cover in future newsletters — awareness, meditations, positive thinking and so on.
Photo of the week: On Labor Day, I ventured to the North Fork of Long Island and explored the area for the first real time. A beautiful place full of farms, wineries, small towns and businesses, and beaches.
Two parting thoughts from Marcus Aurelius:
1. “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”
2. Learn to ask of all actions, “Why are they doing that?”
Starting with your own.
Breathe You Are Alive meditation:
One question from Epictetus: How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself? Can you start right now? No more putting stuff off. This week, let's reexamine our hesitations and just get started.
Be grateful and celebrate your gifts,
Matthew