Answering the Proust Questionnaire
Reflecting on some of life's biggest questions
Hey everyone,
This past week ahead of Valentine’s Day, my fiancé Ally interviewed me about some of life’s biggest questions. We used the Proust Questionnaire, popularized in Vanity Fair, to guide us. It’s a wonderful exercise to do alone, with your partner, or with a friend. The person who popularized the idea, Marcel Proust, believed that your answers to the following questions reveal your true nature.
We skipped a few questions we didn’t love — you’re allowed! — but here are my answers, edited lightly for brevity and clarity. Hope you enjoy, and may the questions guide you to think a bit more calmly or clearly along your own life journey.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A nice beach walk, sunset or hike is great, but it's about an inner calm. Maybe there are things to do, and there are will always be stressors, but there's just a lightness internally. That's happiness and success to me: Peace of mind, inner calmness. Also, seeing the people I love be calm and happy.
What is your greatest fear?
Running out of time. Running out of time to enjoy life, travel, read, be around my people, do what I want to do in life before it’s over.
Also, I fear missing the precious moments of life because of a busy, anxious or cluttered mind.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I don’t like that question — I’m not going to deplore anything in myself. But an area I wish I were better at? Confidence and genuine self-belief.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
People who are selfish or entitled. People who think narrowly.
Which living person do you most admire?
I admire too many people to name, but someone like
— his way about life, his ease, not just his writing, but the way he speaks and engages with people, and the world, is a joy to witness.What is your greatest extravagance?
We aren’t into extravagant things. But probably high-quality food made with great attention and care.
What is your current state of mind?
Pleasant and joyful for the most part. Right this second, my brain feels a little clogged. A little cluttered. A little anxious. I’m a little tired today, but overall pretty much at peace. Pretty restful. Most of my days are about balancing an anxiety meter, and just keeping it at bay.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Working hard is a little overrated. I enjoy working hard, and I admire many people who do, but there are many admirable traits someone can have other than working hard.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I love the gift of being alive and the body that I was given, even though I didn’t do anything to earn a chance at life. But to answer the question, I’ll say that I wish I were taller.
Which living person do you most despise?
I’ll say something that might sound cheesy to some people, but as MLK says, nothing peaceful can get done with hate. The exact quote is, “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Loyalty. Thoughtfulness, selflessness, generosity. Those are powerful things.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Same things as above. Also, caring. A loving heart.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Ally.
As for things: writing and reading words, stories, the natural world — those are all loves of my life, too.
When and where were you happiest?
Well, happiness is peace of mind, so I’m happiest with Ally, or when I’m in nature outside, and when I’m around dogs. Being with people I love, being around amazing food, being around beautiful art.
I was happiest as a little boy playing in the sand with trucks, just playing outside with a baseball bat, or in the dirt. Your life is complete in that moment. Naval Ravikant said happiness is the state when nothing’s missing, and that’s so true. As a kid especially, there's nothing missing — you’re content to be playing in the sandbox. You don’t need anything else to be complete. What’s better than that?
What talent would you most like to have?
To sing and play guitar and piano in front of an audience. That would be really cool. Creating and performing music.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Learn to relax and be more at ease with situations as they come. To not be looking to the future or the past so much. To let myself have more fun.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My partner, Ally, and our relationship. And, second, the growth on my emotional health journey, how far I’ve come to understand myself, the anxiety I feel, and this life journey … All that I’ve unpacked through many hours of therapy. I've done a lot of hours and a lot of unpacking, and I’ve come a long way.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
Being a dog is up there. I would also consider coming back as a beautiful tree. Trees know how to let go. Maybe a Banyan tree. Or to come back exactly as myself, nothing changed, and to relive the same life, with all the same messes and troubles and challenges and beautiful things. But during that second go at life, I’d really hope to pay closer attention to the beauty of life with each passing moment, rather than spend so much time looking at the goalposts.
Where would you most like to live?
Most important is a walkable area, with some nature. Not a manufactured American suburb where everything looks the same, please. I love water and beaches. I want to live near a community of either family or friends, ideally both. It’s not about the weather, how much money people have, or how many square feet we own, but it’s about community. A sense of togetherness.
I love neighborhoods where people drop by their neighbor’s house to check on them or leave them a small token of appreciation. I love neighborhoods where you run into people at the local cafe or pub. Towns like “Bedford Falls” in the film “It’s a Wonderful Life.” For many of these reasons, Brooklyn has really grown on me.
Because we’re all in this together. As Ram Dass said, “We’re all just walking each other home.”
What is your most treasured possession?
My journals.
What is your favorite occupation?
Writing, reading. Also, being a partner to Ally. Soon, a husband. Being a son. My great occupation is also to observe the beautiful planet we live on and take it all in. There’s so much beauty to take in.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Hopefully, a big heart. If that’s what my tombstone says, that’s a beautiful life.
What do you most value in your friends?
The ability to not be all serious and uptight. To laugh and enjoy an evening in the moment, and to just enjoy a given day for what it is, without needing anything more. To lighten up and loosen the grip we hold on life.
And their support. A new friend of mine, Scott, recently wrote to me out of the blue, “Matthew, you are a beautiful friend and human being; let that never be overlooked, by anything.” I shed a few tears when I read that, because that kind of support sustains us.
Who are your favorite writers?
I really appreciate George Saunders, as I said above.
is up there. I’m starting to enjoy David Sedaris. Thich Nhat Hanh is wonderful. is so good. There are many others.Who is your hero of fiction?
Maybe Woody from Toy Story.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Some of the writers I mentioned. Ally. My parents.
What are your favorite names?
Matthew. I like Alexandra. Huckleberry, Hope, Grace.
How would you like to die?
Peacefully, surrounded by loved ones.
What is your greatest regret?
Not always believing in myself.
What is it that you most dislike?
Really loud environments, dirty or cluttered environments. People talking over one another. People who are ungrateful, as in people who miss the beauty of life unfolding right before them.
What is your motto?
At ease.
Celebrate your gifts,
Matthew
At ease my friend. ❤️
I really enjoyed reading this. It was very open and honest, definitely the Matthew we know and love.