A living eulogy, self-love and becoming who we want to be
What do you think success is? “To love”
Why don’t we have living funerals? Let’s honor our loved ones not only after they’ve left us, but while they’re still here, as a celebration of that person and all that they bring. This isn’t to say funerals have no purpose. In many cases, they’re powerful life remembrances. But why not let people hear heartfelt stories and memories from their closest friends and family members while they’re still with us? Let the memories and smiles warm their heart.
This came to mind a couple of months ago after a colleague died. I had never met the person, but it was one of those moments that freezes you. He was relatively young and very well-respected. “It aches my heart even though I didn’t know him,” I wrote in my journal that day. “From diagnosis to death, it happened quickly. Another reminder of the preciousness of the breath — it is sacred.”
Events like that break you out of your everyday routine, or what’s called the everyday “grind.” I hate that term. This isn’t a grind, this is life, the miracle of life. We shouldn’t be so ingrained in the minute details that we’re praised and promoted for “grinding” so much that our self-worth and happiness depends on how much more we grind away, as if we have all the time we could ask for. Rather, let’s live carefully, on purpose and mindfully. Let’s love one another and spread kindness like confetti. Time is water flowing down an open drain — we don’t get it back, and our supply is limited.
This week, I’ve been meditating on a question I came across: Am I being the person I want to be? When you strip away all of the excess — the news, who cut you in line, that car problem, that time you didn't get promoted — you’re left with only the essential. Did I take care of my mind and body today? Did I support a loved one? Did I fully show love for myself and those around me? When someone close to me passes away, these are some of the first questions that arise.
Since the pandemic began nearly two years ago, I’ve realized the things I spent so much time on — chasing internships and jobs, filing stories and monitoring tweets — aren’t as important as I had thought. I have less desire for all of it when it comes at the expense of other things. I was too involved in materialist things that only provide short-term dopamine hits. Maybe I’d scarf down lunch while staring at my phone. Well jeez, did I even taste the food? I’d sleepwalk into college classes or skip workouts, as if my mind and body aren’t the most important things I own; they’re the only things I own. No more skipping exercise.
“You don’t know what tomorrow holds. You don’t know how many more of these moments you’ll get. So grab them while they are here. Look while you can. Don’t let the stillness pass you by.” — The Daily Stoic
On a summer trip touring colleges when I was seventeen, I rudely told my mom “I didn’t come to Baltimore for Chipotle” and asked that we eat crab cakes at a restaurant in the harbor. The nerve of me to say that on a college-tour trip, reserved only for the privileged kids like me. Clearly, I wasn’t fully alive or grateful enough. I wasn’t enlightened enough to see all of the beauty in front of me — that I was on a leisure trip in the first place. What a gift I had in front of me. An unearned one.
No more of that. I try to notice the little miracles each day: the trees, the wind and my breath. I could leave this Earth at any moment, so I try to see as much as I can as if it’s the first time I’m seeing it. Because when I reflect on that colleague’s death this year, it sinks in: That could have been me. That could have been any of us, really. Let the fleetingness of life carry you forward.
Notes from Charlie Mackesy’s “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse,” about friendship, kindness, and self-esteem. My favorite questions, answers and quotes:
What do you want to be when you grow up? “Kind”
What do you think success is? “To love”
What’s the biggest waste of time? “Comparing yourself to others.”
Is your glass half empty or full? “I’m grateful to have a glass.”
“I realize why we are here: to love and be loved.”
Often the hardest person to forgive is yourself
“Most people wished they had listened less to their fears and more to their dreams.”
“One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.”
Always remember “you bring to the world things no one else can.”
Charlie writes early in the book: “When I was making the book, I often wondered who on Earth am I to be doing this. But as the horse says, the truth is everyone is winging it. So I say, spread your wings and follow your dreams.”
Jerry Seinfeld on depression and working out of funks:
Seinfeld told Tim Ferriss this year in a podcast that he goes in and out of depression regularly. Three things help him feel better: exercise, lifting weights and meditation. I can attest to all three as transformative daily habits that leave me feeling good. “I think I could solve just about anyone’s life, and I don’t care what you do, with weight training and Transcendental Meditation,” Seinfeld said.
“I think your body needs that stress, that stressor. And I think it builds the resilience of the nervous system, and I think Transcendental Meditation is the absolute ultimate work tool. I think the stress reduction is great, but it’s more the energy recovery and the concentration fatigue solution, which is of course, as a standup comic, I can tell you, my entire life is concentration fatigue. Whether it’s writing or performing, my brain and my body, which are the same thing, are constantly hitting the wall. And if you have that in your hip pocket, you’re Columbus with a compass.”
Simplify, simplify, simplify to amplify the most important things in your life. Because let’s face it: Being busy comes with a price. Being busy is expensive. You’re missing out on this moment and what’s around you:
“Some people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. But you don’t have to be one of them. Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how good it has been…Pay more attention to the beauty and practicality of living a simpler life. A life uncluttered by most of the meaningless drama, distraction, and busyness people fill their lives with, leaving us with space for what’s truly meaningful.”
— Marc and Angel Chernoff, Hack Life
My favorite parts of Steve Jobs' famous Stanford commencement speech, when he references getting fired by Apple, the company he founded:
It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
A quote I’m meditating on this week:
Love is much bigger than relationships. Love is the way you heal yourself, the kindness you give to others, the gentleness you give yourself during turbulent times, the space you hold for close friends, the intention you use to live in the present, and the energy that changes the world. It's every moment that elevates the human experience and all the small things that make life shine.”
― Yung Pueblo, Clarity & Connection
Photo of the week: Capitalized on a mild, sunny weekday to read, meditate and work outside. Hydro flask > plastic bottles
Parting question: How long will you put off what you are capable of doing just to continue what you are comfortable doing?
Wishing you a restful, enjoyable Thanksgiving to you and yours,
Matthew