8 Lessons From 8 Years of Love
On evolution, growth and partnerships that last
On one of our first days as a couple, Ally turned to me and asked something like, “What is love?” I hesitated. We were only college sophomores, and I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. This was also my first real relationship. Learning to love felt big, something I knew but couldn’t quite define.
After a few moments, she said something I’ll always remember: “Love is truly caring for the other person.” It's not putting them on a pedestal, not idolizing them, and definitely not just being attracted to them. It’s often about “truly caring.” Safekeeping, protecting, guiding, trusting, and so on.
That moment has stuck with me several years later. It was simple, clear, and over time, I realized again and again just how right she was.
Soon, Ally and I will celebrate eight years together. We’re still in our 20s, and we don’t have it all figured out, but I want to share a few lessons from eight years of love, with the hope that they will resonate with others who are navigating their own relationships. These aren’t rules or universal truths. They’re just reflections on what we’ve learned, what’s surprised us, or what continues to shape our partnership as we grow together.
As you read them, I’m curious: Which speak to you, and what would you add to this list?
Arguments are temporary, love is permanent. Disagreements happen, but when we zoom out and ask, Will this matter in a month? (or even a day) most of them shrink in importance. Keeping the big picture in mind usually helps us move past small conflicts quickly.
Along the way, we’ve also done the work, like having informal “check-ins” every couple of weeks and going to couples therapy, which helped us learn how to really listen, communicate openly, and get on the same page.
Shared responsibilities help. We do a lot together, basically everything, including travel, work, exercise, and cooking, but we also do a lot individually, both career-wise and personally. There’s no rigid division of labor, either. One person isn’t solely responsible for earning money, cooking, or managing the home. I believe that balance keeps resentment from creeping in and strengthens our partnership.
Gratitude before bed. Many nights before bed, we take a moment to express gratitude for each other. We try to tell each other what we appreciated that the other person did that day. Sometimes, I jot down our thoughts in the gratitude journal that sits on my nightstand. It’s a small ritual that reinforces appreciation and reminds us not to take each other for granted, even on routine Tuesdays full of work or chores.
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We don’t hide stuff. There’s really nothing off-limits for us: phones, emails, bank accounts, conversations, etc. Ally can open my phone and vice versa. It’s not about control or a lack of boundaries; it’s about trust and transparency, and knowing we have nothing to hide from each other.
Space makes us stronger. We love spending time together, but we also value our independence. Having our own hobbies, interests, and friendships makes us better partners when we come back together. We spend days, sometimes weeks, apart, and that’s OK. Sometimes, space in a relationship is healthy, even beneficial, because it helps us be more present and grateful for the time we do share together.
The little things matter more than the big gestures. Our relationship benefits from little things, such as cooking lunch for the other person, doing their laundry, going out for an impromptu coffee run together, or treating them to their favorite local restaurant. We’ve found that the grand romantic things don’t last very long. The real foundation of love is in the everyday moments: the cup of coffee made just right, the quick “drive safe, love you” text, the way we instinctively reach for each other’s hands, and so on.
Often, the best support is simply listening. We’ve learned that often the best support is just listening. Not every problem needs a solution right away or “fixing.” Sometimes, just knowing someone hears you is enough. As
says, “Listening to each other is an essential way to show how much you care.”Love definitely evolves over time. The love we had in year one isn’t the same as the love we have now. It’s grown, deepened, and changed in ways we couldn’t have predicted. We’ve taught each other so much. We’ve learned how to navigate the hard days and show up for each other in ways that words sometimes can’t capture. Perhaps most beautiful: I know this is still just the beginning.
Celebrate your love,
Matthew
Extremely wonder advice.
Such wisdom from such a young couple! Inspiring and uplifting - a great read to start the weekend with your loved one. As a professionally trained coach, your point about the power of simply listening resonated with me. So many of us don't have a safe space to just unload and be seen and heard. Thanks for your continued thoughtful and thought-provoking writing!